


to ease the pain

by snowyxiu



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: No Dialogue, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Stress, i wrote this when i was :(, the other members are actually just mentioned, theres really no relationship at all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-12
Updated: 2017-07-12
Packaged: 2018-12-01 02:26:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11476647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowyxiu/pseuds/snowyxiu
Summary: The stress put on Kihyun as Monsta X's main vocalist is enough to make him break.





	to ease the pain

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this a while back when i was really eh inside. just tryna get my thoughts out of my head :) 
> 
> theres actually more to this but i didnt finish it and i dont know if i intend on finishing it...

Kihyun sat in his bunk, staring at the sheets crumbled at the foot. He did it again. He fucked up. When would he learn to get it right? 

 

The producer had given him numerous corrections.  _ More emotion. Not so loud. Stop with the falsetto.  _ He couldn't do one damn thing. And if that wasn't bad enough, his own group members had been whispering about him.  _ Kihyun’s tone isn't too great. What’s happened to him? _

 

Even Kihyun himself couldn't answer that question. He didn't know what had happened to him. Everything had been fine. He was the main singer. He was talented. Fans swooned over his singing. Renowned artists even praised him. 

 

So why was he such a disgrace now?

 

He told himself it was because he had lost his touch. His throat was always scratchy from practice, which made his voice ragged. He ran out of breath whenever he sang. His voice cracked when he spoke. He was falling apart. 

 

Yoo Kihyun was falling apart. 

 

His band members could only watch from the sidelines. Kihyun was always the one to take care of the others when they hit a nadir. He was left to himself when he was hurting. That wasn't to say the others didn't try. Hyunwoo tried to talk to him in his completely diplomatic manner a few times. Hoseok would offer him food. Minhyuk, who was the most worried for his best friend, reassured him that he was a great singer and had nothing to worry about. Hyungwon and Jooheon did everything they could to make him smile. Changkyun, bless the boy, tried to cuddle.

 

Kihyun appreciated their efforts, but he couldn't accept. He couldn't talk about it because it was too hard. He couldn't eat because he would gain weight. He knew he wasn't good enough. Smiling hurt, and he wasn't in the mood to cuddle. 

 

The last thing he wanted to do was impose his problems on the members. 

 

So there he was, alone in his room. The others knew very well to stay out (as much as they wanted to accompany him) when Kihyun locked himself in there. They figured he was crying or writing or sleeping. 

 

They weren't wrong, but they weren't completely right either. 

 

Kihyun looked around the cluttered bedside table. He found a paper clip holding together a few sheets of paper.

 

He knew he shouldn't do this. It was wrong. It was unhealthy. He should find other ways that were less destructive. But no one cares about self harm unless they see blood. 

 

_ Scratch.  _ He drags the sharp edge of the unraveled paper clip across his arm. The skin was white and flaky.  _ Scratch. _ It wasn't so bad, really. The pain was there, but there was no blood. No way for people to know that he hurt himself, since it would disappear by the next morning. 

 

_ Scratch. _ He was such an idiot.  _ Scratch.  _ Why did he think he had what it took to be in a group? He was bringing all the members down with him. They were too good for that.  _ Scratch _ . He lost all his talent. He couldn't sing. He couldn't dance. He wasn't handsome. He was too fat. Too ugly. Too useless.  _ Scratch _ . Others in the group had amazing voices. Why did they need Kihyun when he was failing at every line he got? They could easily remove him and distribute the lines more fairly. 

 

He went to scratch again, but he heard footsteps. Throwing the paper clip back onto the table, he pulled his sleeve down and yanked the covers up to his chin. For a few seconds, there was nothing. The bathroom door could be hear and Kihyun let out a soft sigh. His fingers ran over the raised lines on his arms. He was pleased.


End file.
